Wow... You think and think about all of this for 10+ months, and then suddenly, the baby is here and you're doing it all, and its happening, and she's in your arms. I can't believe it all. I am in awe, tired, joyful, frustrated, emotional, peaceful. It's all so unbelievable.
Following is a full account of how Chloe's labor/delivery went and all our trials and joys through those few days. It was really crazy and not how I expected it at all. Nothing could have prepared me for it, and some if it feels like a dream due to the medications I was on at certain parts of my labor. I do go into detail, so if you'd rather not read it, that is totally fine - you've been warned :)
On Saturday evening, I noticed a tiny leak during the middle of the night. It's always tough at this point in a pregnancy to know exactly what you are dealing with, because well... let's be frank, you're constantly peeing and sometimes a little leaks out. But I was pretty sure this was fluid. Because it was such a tiny amount though, I wasn't too worried and figured... well if it is truly my water breaking, it will come full force today. Sunday night, I noticed it again in the middle of the night, and was sure it was fluid. So, I called my midwife and they wanted me in right away. At 1:40 pm I had an appointment and she checked me and told me I was no further dilated (only about 1 cm) but that it was definitely a high amniotic fluid leak.
peggy: "We're going to get you to the hospital to get delivered."
me: "what? really?"
peggy: "yes, there is a risk of infection to your placenta with a leak like this, and because it's been going on since Saturday, we need to get this baby out right away."
me: "cry"
So I called Brian, and we came home, got our stuff in order (it was amazing how many things we were thinking of to get done) and we went off to the hospital that night. Here is a picture of me and Brian, excited and terrified, and then me - last belly shot - almost exactly 40 weeks.
After getting to the hospital, they got us settled into the room, and it was all pretty calm and boring for a while. I was given Cytotec in the cervix around 6 or 7pm (which is a bit scary but I had to have it vs. cervadil due to my asthma), and strapped up to a bunch of monitors to keep Chloe's heart rate and my contractions monitored.
Around midnight the cytotec started to do its work and I begin intense cramping and contractions that made me absolutely nuts. I was also on Nubain and a sleeping pill, so I felt like I was trapped in a painful nightmare with no relief. Around 5:00am I finally was dilated to 3cm, so I got my epidural at 6am ..then I had the best 2-3 hours ever. I had so much peace and the pain was gone, I felt warm fuzzy and amazing. I dilated quickly in 30 minutes to 6cm due to being relaxed, then by 9am I was fully dilated and effaced and just waiting for "pushing pressure"... which admittedly was hard to feel due to the epidural. At 9:00am we started pushing, after Peggy broke my water. She immediately saw meconium and had the NICU nurses on standby. I was so scared when I heard this because I know how dangerous it can be. I knew that they were monitoring Chloe's heart rate though so I just prayed she wasn't breathing it in.
I basically pushed for an hour unsuccessfully and I was so discouraged, and already completely exhausted. My midwife had to leave for about 25 minutes to attend to another patient, and I became extremely discouraged because I knew she didn't expect anything to happen but I kept pushing and exhausting myself. Then Peggy came back and they turned my epidural down... then I could feel the urge to push (well the horrible cramping/contractions) and I became extremely motivated for it to be OVER... but also felt like I was being tortured. The baby was having a hard time coming under my pubic bone... and things were moving so slowly. I know it was all very bloody and gross and I feel horrible that Brian and my mother had to watch it all happen, I know it was excruciating for Brian to watch me in so much pain and so exhausted. My arms were killing me from holding my legs back. I wanted to give up so many times. At one point I thought I might have a C-section because Peggy said the baby's head was swelling a little bit. It turns out she was actually in a sort of posterior and had to twist a lot in the birth canal, which might have been part of the reason pushing took so long. Finally I saw them break the bed down at the end, which was a huge motivator for me because I knew that we were getting close. I had to have an episiotomy, but I honestly didn't care... I was so tired and in so much pain and so scared I wanted Chloe to be born as quickly as possible and safely.
When she came out, Peggy said, she's not going to be breathing... and she was limp and lifeless and her head was very coned...and covered in... well stuff... and they wisked her off and bagged her, trying to get the meconium out before she took her first breaths. We didn't hear her for what seemed like an eternity... brian held my hand and we just looked at each other and finally we started hearing her wimpers and little cries. The poor baby it was so traumatic for her too. It was the scariest, worst, best craziest moment of my life. I couldn't believe what we had just been through and what was happening. I had a moment with her before they took her to the nursery to get checked out:
The recovery has been painful and difficult, no question, but I'm definitely starting to improve. Our first days with Chloe are sort of a blur, yet precious and amazing too. We are barely getting into a little bit of a groove, as much as you can with a newborn who just eats, sleeps and cries and poops :) but her alert phases are so wondrous, and I just want to kiss and hold her all the time (which I don't thinks he minds since right now she is definitely preferring to be held then anything else) :) We are trying to work on getting her to sleep a little longer each night in her co-sleeper (right next to me) in bed.
Breastfeeding has been a challenge for sure, but we're getting there and improving, I think. When we get it right, it is truly beautiful and amazing. I love all the aspects of this all so much. I am in so much love with this little angel!
There are more pictures on facebook/flickr if you are interested:
Flickr
