so much

If any of you follow me on facebook, you'll know I (along with many other pregnant girls) are struggling with the decisions to get flu shots or not. It is not the fact of getting vaccinated with the strains that scares me, its the preservatives in the vaccine. All over the internet people are saying "get the preservative free (thimerosal free) version" - but I'll tell you right now - we don't have it here in Erie, at least not for H1N1 which is the most important one for pregnant women to get.

Because I'm pregnant, I'm 6x more likely to catch the flues or develop complications from them. Because I am asthmatic/allergy suffering, I am catapulted into a new risk category for suffering from complications of the viruses.

But if I want H1N1 before it runs out, I have to get the version with thimerisol now. My midwife is recommending that I get it, as well as many other reputable websites and sources. So I will be totally set on it, then people start telling me about the links between mercury and autism, other problems in infants, children - and I back off, flip out, and cry and cry and change my mind again.

I have done so much research on this, along with Brian, I have never felt so torn about a decision in my life. I have never had to weigh someone else's safety and life in this way. It's bizarre because it is a big decision, but it's also...just a shot. That is a tough line to walk. I am so terrified of hurting this little girl inside of me, it makes me absolutely crazy. I have cried so much today, its nuts. Brian is trying to counsel me and help me make this decision with him together. My baby is developing so perfectly, the thought of messing that up agonizes me. But the thought of getting H1N1 and getting very sick from it and dying or losing the baby scares me just as much.

As of now I am scheduled to get H1N1 tomorrow at 1:00pm. I'm not positive I'll go yet. I am going to sleep on it and pray very hard for clarity. What I don't need is more opinions, even though my nature is to ask for them. I know both sides of the coin and I am in a place where we have to pick what is best for my current situation and weigh the risks and benefits.

In the end though - if I trust my decision and that it is right for me and blessed by God, then I should not worry about it either way - because He will protect and honor that choice that we have made. Trust is my biggest issue right now.

Any prayers for me and other pregnant women making this decision would be super appreciated.

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In other news, I'm 21 weeks today, and this pregnancy is so exciting. I've had a couple rough days with IBS, but everything else is going perfectly and I am loving my baby more and more every day. I am feeling her moving every day at some point - sometimes the activity is so crazy! Brian still hasn't felt it completely yet - I think he might have felt a nudge tonight. We'll get there. We are still struggling with names and haven't found a crib yet, but neither of these is really worrying me :) I'm just enjoying it all.

We bought our crib bedding and picked out paint colors. It is so cute, fresh and funky and totally me! We'll use the khaki/beige color as the main wall color then do an accent wall in the fresh orange color. I am so excited! I might have my dad help me paint an abstract mural on the other wall too using the flowers as inspiration!




21 weeks development:

Your baby now weighs about three-quarters of a pound and is approximately 10 1/2 inches long — the length of a carrot. You may soon feel like she's practicing martial arts as her initial fluttering movements turn into full-fledged kicks and nudges. You may also discover a pattern to her activity as you get to know her better. In other developments, your baby's eyebrows and lids are present now, and if you're having a girl, her vagina has begun to form as well.

weird weird weird dream

I had a dream. I can't remember the progression, but there were parts that involved everyone in Erie who's name was Rachel getting a zombie-type-virus. There was a part that involved some other girl with the screename "secret rach" who was IMing/SPAMMING me on AIM and twitter telling me about the dangers about to befall me. At one point she IM'd me over 628 times in 1 minutes. Another section of the dream involved me getting stuck up by the "peninsula" at someone's house with no cell phone service and being late for my engagement shoot today. Then suddenly I was in the same room as the girl.

geez. weirdness.....

I had a really really hormonal, tearful night last night. I wonder if hormone surges can also cause really bizarre dreams...

20 week sonogram!

I cannot believe that I am halfway through this pregnancy already. It is all just around the corner... I am truly in awe. Today was an emotional and joyous and insane day. I had a few ups and downs, hardly slept and then was in astonishment at our sonogram. We are 20 weeks along so it's pretty sure and ok to say at this point that we are having a girl! I am so surprised. I was totally convinced it was a boy. Brian is beside himself - he is so excited!

The baby didn't move around too much while we were getting the actual sonogram, but proceeded to nudge and push me for the rest of the day very actively. Aargh! Anyway the sonogram tech was having a bit of trouble getting the images she needed at first because of the position the baby was in - head down, turned towards my back (showing us its butt). haha. Finally she got it to move so she could get some profile shots. This is the first time seeing the baby's profile and it was surreal and beautiful!

Baby Gender: 90% sure girl
Baby heartrate: 155bpm
Baby Weight: 11 oz
Baby Length: Somewhere around 10 inches from toe to head, about the length of a banana (from babycenter.com)

Baby snuggled against placenta. This was actually bad for the the technician. lol



Baby snuggled against placenta. This was actually bad for the the technician. lol


Baby's foot! Sticking straight at you.


Baby snuggled against placenta. This was actually bad for the the technician. lol


Baby's profile. She is so darn cute already.


Baby's profile. She is so darn cute already.


We also took a little video footage which was soooo not allowed but so worth it to me. This is a precious memory and I wanted to have what I could of it. It is about 4ish minutes long. I tried to label it so you can see what is going on - there is a section where they are checking for the gender, and a section measuring the face and profile. There are parts where you get to see the whole baby's body, spine and feet and legs too. Cool stuff!!!




We love you baby girl Lusky!!! It's amazing how precious you are to me in such a short time.

baby moves

Well I think I can finally say that for the last week, I've been feeling this baby move consistently everyday. It seems the little nudges come in the mid-morning especially while I'm sitting at my computer, a little in the afternoon, and later in the evening when Brian and I are relaxing by the tv. He hasn't been able to feel anything from the outside yet. I'm hoping very soon!

Yay baby!!!!!!!!

19 Weeks

Wow, is this happening? It seems like things are speeding up all of a sudden. And at the same time, I feel more patient then I did... I don't know what it is! I am suddenly aware of how blessed we are that God has protected the baby thus far. I don't take it for granted, and still pray for constant protection. I know anything can happen. I thank God for every week He gives me in this pregnancy. We had a penta-screen blood test 2 weeks ago and I haven't heard any news, which in this case, I believe is good. No news = no major problems with the bloodwork that need to be discussed immediately.

It's like my mind and my body are finally starting to connect. It's taken a while for that to happen. I'm starting to be able to feel my uterus JUST below my belly button which is crazy to know that the baby is finally not hiding quite so much in my fat/insides and coming forward! I'm still continuing to feel nudges, I think, it's still a little hard to tell, but if they aren't nudges, then I have some sort of weird muscle twitch that needs to be dealt with ;-)

19 Weeks Development
Your baby's sensory development is exploding! Her brain is designating specialized areas for smell, taste, hearing, vision, and touch. Some research suggests that she may be able to hear your voice now, so don't be shy about reading aloud, talking to her, or singing a happy tune if the mood strikes you. Your baby weighs about 8 1/2 ounces and measures 6 inches, head to bottom — about the size of a large heirloom tomato or a large mango. Ha. Measured from head to feet, about 9-10 inches! (That flips me out a bit) Her arms and legs are in the right proportions to each other and the rest of her body now. Her kidneys continue to make urine and the hair on her scalp is sprouting. A waxy protective coating called the vernix caseosa is forming on her skin to prevent it from pickling in the amniotic fluid.

Your little action figure is able to choreograph Matrix-like moves. Arms and legs are finally in proportion, neurons are now connected between the brain and muscles, and cartilage throughout the body is turning to bone. All these upgrades combine to give your baby more control over limb movements. Which explains all that kicking, stretching, and bodysurfing (or rather bellysurfing) you've possibly started feeling by now.

18 weeks belly shot

I forgot to post this here. You can really tell that baby is popping through now! haha!

18 weeks, movement??

Yesterday we were 18 weeks pregnant! It's hard to believe. It's going slow and fast, all at the same time, if that is possible. Sometimes I just feel like... come ONNNN lets go, and other times I'm like, lets take this NICE AND SLOW! Anyway...

Right now, as many mothers-to-be are at this stage, I'm sort of obsessed with feeling the baby move. I am starting to get more sure I'm feeling it. Last night was one of the most definitive times... it was almost like 3 nudges within the span of about a minute. It actually flipped me out because it was so defined. And the day before while I was working and playing Bethany Dillon and singing really loud, I had a few nudgy feelings and a flutter or two. It is so exciting and is making it really feel way more real than it has up to this point. I pray it continues and things keep going smoothly. Baby keep moving! :)

18 Weeks Baby!

Head to rump, your baby is about 5 1/2 inches long (about the length of a bell pepper) and he weighs almost 7 ounces. He's busy flexing his arms and legs — movements that you'll start noticing more and more in the weeks ahead. His blood vessels are visible through his thin skin, and his ears are now in their final position, although they're still standing out from his head a bit. A protective covering of myelin is beginning to form around his nerves, a process that will continue for a year after he's born. If you're having a girl, her uterus and fallopian tubes are formed and in place. If you're having a boy, his genitals are noticeable now, but he may hide them from you during an ultrasound. (Hopefully not, ultrasound Oct 20! :)

What about the mom-to-be? Your cardiovascular system is undergoing dramatic changes, and during this trimester your blood pressure will probably be lower than usual. Don't spring up too fast from a lying or sitting position or you might feel a little dizzy. From now on, when you do lie down, it's best to lie on your side — or at least partly tilted to one side. (When you lie flat on your back, your uterus can compress a major vein, leading to decreased blood return to your heart.) Try placing a pillow behind you or under your hip or upper leg for comfort.

zelda & tychs

The kitties are enjoying the cooler temperatures by cozying up in the house :)

Zelda has been enjoying sitting in the box where I store my business receipts while I work. Ok so these were actually taken a month ago, but she's actually doing it right now while I'm posting!



Tycho just likes to be in the way everywhere and everything :) Including getting up on my beautiful fall decorated mantel and shattering the glass vases. Sigh. I say... see Tycho, this is why we can't have nice things! ;-)



I can't believe how fast fall is passing and winter is approaching. Dave says snow next week possibly. INSANE. These are the days though that I love working from home. Cozy cozy office with cozy kitties!

family updates

Brian's mom Beth, came in for the weekend to spend time with us (well mainly Brian and I was out of town for a wedding) for her late birthday present. It was so good to see her and spend time with her. It was weird that this is the first time we've all seen her since we found out we were pregnant, since my grandma died. Everything sort of seems different now... everything IS different now.

Amy - my amazing sister - is now engaged!! I am so thrilled for her, and I know that her wedding and marriage is going to be beautiful and unique. You can read the story here :) Josh is such a fantastic guy who has a huge heart, and treats my sister amazingly (which is what every big sister wants to see!)

Papa had a third surgery yesterday - this one was to explore the bladder and potentially scrape out any regrowth of cancer. Unfortunately, his bladder cancer is so aggressive, that 80% of the tumors that were removed less than two months ago, have returned. This FREAKS ME OUT and is so insane. They injected some chemotherapy medicine directly into the bladder, and will continue to try this for 6 weeks to see if it can make a dent in the tumors this way. If not, then the next stage will potentially be a surgery to completely remove the bladder, which can be totally brutal and for an 80-something year old man, sigh. I just don't want him to have to go through that. But at the same time, I know Papa wants to do whatever is best to keep his life going, and he seems to have a good outlook and said, let's just trust in God, and put it all in His hands.

The sort of contrast of having one grandmother die in the spring who I wasn't really very close to, then having a grandmother die in June from cancer, just a few weeks before we found out we were pregnant, who I WAS very close to.... and THEN watching my grandpa go through another battle with a different kind of cancer. Then Amy is getting married... and neither grandma will be there. All so fast. I miss my grandma Koos so much sometimes... I just can't believe she is not here. I just think of her and... I wish I could dream more about her to hear her talk to me again. I think we all are still reeling that it happened as fast as it did. I miss her laugh most of all, and how much she loved her family and her kitties. Cancer.. Cancer... Cancer. Death. Life. Cancer. Marriage. Life. Baby. Fear. Family. Cancer. Sickness. Change. Joy. Sorrow. Life. Love. Support. Life. Love.

God's control... God's plan... God's protection... God's arms... God's promise.

In His shadow there is peace
In His arms there is rest
In His word there is hope
In His hands there is grace

In the end... no hurting
In the end... no yearning
In the end... no suffering, no sadness or pain
In the end...

-David Crowder, In the End [O Resplendant Light!]