so much

If any of you follow me on facebook, you'll know I (along with many other pregnant girls) are struggling with the decisions to get flu shots or not. It is not the fact of getting vaccinated with the strains that scares me, its the preservatives in the vaccine. All over the internet people are saying "get the preservative free (thimerosal free) version" - but I'll tell you right now - we don't have it here in Erie, at least not for H1N1 which is the most important one for pregnant women to get.

Because I'm pregnant, I'm 6x more likely to catch the flues or develop complications from them. Because I am asthmatic/allergy suffering, I am catapulted into a new risk category for suffering from complications of the viruses.

But if I want H1N1 before it runs out, I have to get the version with thimerisol now. My midwife is recommending that I get it, as well as many other reputable websites and sources. So I will be totally set on it, then people start telling me about the links between mercury and autism, other problems in infants, children - and I back off, flip out, and cry and cry and change my mind again.

I have done so much research on this, along with Brian, I have never felt so torn about a decision in my life. I have never had to weigh someone else's safety and life in this way. It's bizarre because it is a big decision, but it's also...just a shot. That is a tough line to walk. I am so terrified of hurting this little girl inside of me, it makes me absolutely crazy. I have cried so much today, its nuts. Brian is trying to counsel me and help me make this decision with him together. My baby is developing so perfectly, the thought of messing that up agonizes me. But the thought of getting H1N1 and getting very sick from it and dying or losing the baby scares me just as much.

As of now I am scheduled to get H1N1 tomorrow at 1:00pm. I'm not positive I'll go yet. I am going to sleep on it and pray very hard for clarity. What I don't need is more opinions, even though my nature is to ask for them. I know both sides of the coin and I am in a place where we have to pick what is best for my current situation and weigh the risks and benefits.

In the end though - if I trust my decision and that it is right for me and blessed by God, then I should not worry about it either way - because He will protect and honor that choice that we have made. Trust is my biggest issue right now.

Any prayers for me and other pregnant women making this decision would be super appreciated.

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In other news, I'm 21 weeks today, and this pregnancy is so exciting. I've had a couple rough days with IBS, but everything else is going perfectly and I am loving my baby more and more every day. I am feeling her moving every day at some point - sometimes the activity is so crazy! Brian still hasn't felt it completely yet - I think he might have felt a nudge tonight. We'll get there. We are still struggling with names and haven't found a crib yet, but neither of these is really worrying me :) I'm just enjoying it all.

We bought our crib bedding and picked out paint colors. It is so cute, fresh and funky and totally me! We'll use the khaki/beige color as the main wall color then do an accent wall in the fresh orange color. I am so excited! I might have my dad help me paint an abstract mural on the other wall too using the flowers as inspiration!




21 weeks development:

Your baby now weighs about three-quarters of a pound and is approximately 10 1/2 inches long — the length of a carrot. You may soon feel like she's practicing martial arts as her initial fluttering movements turn into full-fledged kicks and nudges. You may also discover a pattern to her activity as you get to know her better. In other developments, your baby's eyebrows and lids are present now, and if you're having a girl, her vagina has begun to form as well.