bumps & bruises

Over the last few weeks, Chloe has begun taking the first of what everyone tells me, many, tumbles. Before we left for Myrtle Beach, I was packing the suitcase on the bed, and Chloe was up there with me. She is now a rolling pro, but I still didn't think she could roll THAT fast. I did what every book tells you not to do, and the thing I rarely EVER do, I walked out of the room while she was on the bed, in the middle surrounded by quilts. Just outside the room after about 10 seconds, I heard the most sickening thud. Then the worst crying and screaming I'd heard from Chloe yet. My heart went from my chest to my toes and I was awash with adrenaline. I ran in to swoop her up, calmly looked her over for injuries and felt her head, then held and comforted her. I quietly took her downstairs while saying "it's ok, I love you, I'm so sorry" and put her in her carseat, almost forgetting her binky, and put her in the car with shaking arms and drove her to the ER. She ended up being completely and totally fine - not even a bump on her! But it was very scary and I felt completely responsible and like a TERRIBLE mother and horribly irresponsible. I now know that this little baby is so fast, and doesn't know her own strength and speed.

On Sunday, when I was walking into church with Chloe on one hip and two bags on the other shoulder, I somehow (still don't really get it) tripped over the curp and fell down on the cement. I honestly don't know how I landed, I just know my body tried to protect Chloe from the fall somehow but she still did bump her head and got a small bruise above her eye. There were many people around which was good and bad. I thrust her into some amazing and helpful man's arms so I could get up (I stil don't know who it was but I want to thank him) and then a variety of people swarmed around me to see if she was ok. I was humiliated and felt horrible and was so scared about how bad that could have been. I believe I definitely took the brunt of that fall, I have a really bad scab and bruise on my elbow and knee and some brushburn on my hand. It really could have been so much worse.

The thought of Chloe getting hurt and me being responsible or not able to protect her is a tough one to deal with, but things will happen despite my best intentions. I have never known love like the love I have for my daughter. Everyone says it, but it is different, it is powerful. Marital and romantic love is beautiful and amazing, but different. I can't explain the need and urge to protect Chloe. It started while she was inside me and I was terrified of doing anything to harm her then.

My little Chlo-bear... she is my angel.

"healthy attachment"

As Brian says. Chloe is DEFINITELY developing some attachment/separation issues with me. It's at the point now where she's playing, I leave the room and she whines. Sometimes she'll stop after a minute or two cuz she forgets about me, but sometimes it erupts into full-blown crying fits. She is still such a great baby though... she did quite well on our vacation (hope to post pictures of that at some point but we'll see)



She now clings to us when we pick her up... she wraps her little arms around our necks. It is darling and heart-melting.

I think this separation issues are going to be both a blessing and a curse!

I shot a wedding today and I missed her so much. It makes me scared if something were to ever happen to her... how awful it would be to never hold her again. She is so precious to me, the love I have for her is unbelievably big. It's just soooo different then anything else.

chloe grace

Chloe Grace, Born March 9, 2010 at 11:18am, 8lbs 2.5 oz, 21 inches. She is one week old today!



Wow... You think and think about all of this for 10+ months, and then suddenly, the baby is here and you're doing it all, and its happening, and she's in your arms. I can't believe it all. I am in awe, tired, joyful, frustrated, emotional, peaceful. It's all so unbelievable.

Following is a full account of how Chloe's labor/delivery went and all our trials and joys through those few days. It was really crazy and not how I expected it at all. Nothing could have prepared me for it, and some if it feels like a dream due to the medications I was on at certain parts of my labor. I do go into detail, so if you'd rather not read it, that is totally fine - you've been warned :)

On Saturday evening, I noticed a tiny leak during the middle of the night. It's always tough at this point in a pregnancy to know exactly what you are dealing with, because well... let's be frank, you're constantly peeing and sometimes a little leaks out. But I was pretty sure this was fluid. Because it was such a tiny amount though, I wasn't too worried and figured... well if it is truly my water breaking, it will come full force today. Sunday night, I noticed it again in the middle of the night, and was sure it was fluid. So, I called my midwife and they wanted me in right away. At 1:40 pm I had an appointment and she checked me and told me I was no further dilated (only about 1 cm) but that it was definitely a high amniotic fluid leak.

peggy: "We're going to get you to the hospital to get delivered."
me: "what? really?"
peggy: "yes, there is a risk of infection to your placenta with a leak like this, and because it's been going on since Saturday, we need to get this baby out right away."
me: "cry"

So I called Brian, and we came home, got our stuff in order (it was amazing how many things we were thinking of to get done) and we went off to the hospital that night. Here is a picture of me and Brian, excited and terrified, and then me - last belly shot - almost exactly 40 weeks.



After getting to the hospital, they got us settled into the room, and it was all pretty calm and boring for a while. I was given Cytotec in the cervix around 6 or 7pm (which is a bit scary but I had to have it vs. cervadil due to my asthma), and strapped up to a bunch of monitors to keep Chloe's heart rate and my contractions monitored.



Around midnight the cytotec started to do its work and I begin intense cramping and contractions that made me absolutely nuts. I was also on Nubain and a sleeping pill, so I felt like I was trapped in a painful nightmare with no relief. Around 5:00am I finally was dilated to 3cm, so I got my epidural at 6am ..then I had the best 2-3 hours ever. I had so much peace and the pain was gone, I felt warm fuzzy and amazing. I dilated quickly in 30 minutes to 6cm due to being relaxed, then by 9am I was fully dilated and effaced and just waiting for "pushing pressure"... which admittedly was hard to feel due to the epidural. At 9:00am we started pushing, after Peggy broke my water. She immediately saw meconium and had the NICU nurses on standby. I was so scared when I heard this because I know how dangerous it can be. I knew that they were monitoring Chloe's heart rate though so I just prayed she wasn't breathing it in.

I basically pushed for an hour unsuccessfully and I was so discouraged, and already completely exhausted. My midwife had to leave for about 25 minutes to attend to another patient, and I became extremely discouraged because I knew she didn't expect anything to happen but I kept pushing and exhausting myself. Then Peggy came back and they turned my epidural down... then I could feel the urge to push (well the horrible cramping/contractions) and I became extremely motivated for it to be OVER... but also felt like I was being tortured. The baby was having a hard time coming under my pubic bone... and things were moving so slowly. I know it was all very bloody and gross and I feel horrible that Brian and my mother had to watch it all happen, I know it was excruciating for Brian to watch me in so much pain and so exhausted. My arms were killing me from holding my legs back. I wanted to give up so many times. At one point I thought I might have a C-section because Peggy said the baby's head was swelling a little bit. It turns out she was actually in a sort of posterior and had to twist a lot in the birth canal, which might have been part of the reason pushing took so long. Finally I saw them break the bed down at the end, which was a huge motivator for me because I knew that we were getting close. I had to have an episiotomy, but I honestly didn't care... I was so tired and in so much pain and so scared I wanted Chloe to be born as quickly as possible and safely.

When she came out, Peggy said, she's not going to be breathing... and she was limp and lifeless and her head was very coned...and covered in... well stuff... and they wisked her off and bagged her, trying to get the meconium out before she took her first breaths. We didn't hear her for what seemed like an eternity... brian held my hand and we just looked at each other and finally we started hearing her wimpers and little cries. The poor baby it was so traumatic for her too. It was the scariest, worst, best craziest moment of my life. I couldn't believe what we had just been through and what was happening. I had a moment with her before they took her to the nursery to get checked out:




The recovery has been painful and difficult, no question, but I'm definitely starting to improve. Our first days with Chloe are sort of a blur, yet precious and amazing too. We are barely getting into a little bit of a groove, as much as you can with a newborn who just eats, sleeps and cries and poops :) but her alert phases are so wondrous, and I just want to kiss and hold her all the time (which I don't thinks he minds since right now she is definitely preferring to be held then anything else) :) We are trying to work on getting her to sleep a little longer each night in her co-sleeper (right next to me) in bed.

Breastfeeding has been a challenge for sure, but we're getting there and improving, I think. When we get it right, it is truly beautiful and amazing. I love all the aspects of this all so much. I am in so much love with this little angel!







There are more pictures on facebook/flickr if you are interested:

Facebook

Flickr

39 Weeks

The main word in my mind, vocabulary, thoughts, fears, and conversation is "when??" I am in such anticipation mode. Trying to calm down, trying to enjoy the last days/weeks of my pregnancy (who knows how long it will be). Trying not to have too many feelings of jealousy for some of my close friends around me who have already had their babies (including all the couples in my birthing class, I am now the last one!). God knows Chloe's birthday, and I am trying to remember that, enjoy her and remember she will never be easier to care for then she is right now.

It wouldn't be so bad but with my grandpa's funeral last week, I was just inundated with questions. Everyone wants to be involved and know, which I love in a lot of ways, and is hard in many other ways. I think because of all the questioning I feel more pressure then I would have otherwise!

39 Weeks

Your baby's waiting to greet the world! He continues to build a layer of fat to help control his body temperature after birth, but it's likely he already measures about 20 inches and weighs a bit over 7 pounds, a mini watermelon. (Boys tend to be slightly heavier than girls.) The outer layers of his skin are sloughing off as new skin forms underneath.

She will come when she's ready. I have an appointment tomorrow and hope to get some more ideas, information. Sonogram and non stress test too! So if she doesn't come tonight (which I'm not feeling anything telling me she will) I at least get to see her again :)

31 Weeks

31 Weeks:

This week, your baby measures over 16 inches long. She weighs about 3.3 pounds (try carrying four navel oranges) and is heading into a growth spurt. She can turn her head from side to side, and her arms, legs, and body are beginning to plump out as needed fat accumulates underneath his skin. She's probably moving a lot, too, so you may have trouble sleeping because your baby's kicks and somersaults keep you up. She's making faces, hiccupping, swallowing, breathing, pedaling with little hands and feet along your uterine wall, and even sucking his or her thumb. Take comfort: All this moving is a sign that your baby is active and healthy.

Your baby's brain is working overtime these days, developing faster than ever. Connections between individual nerve cells are growing at a frenetic clip, and your baby can now perceive information from all five senses. Sure, your baby can't smell anything right now, but that's only because he or she is still submerged in amniotic fluid and needs to be breathing air to get a whiff of anything. Lucky for you — and your baby — yours will be one of the very first scents your baby breathes in, a scent that will quickly become his or her very favorite.

Making faces, hiccupping, swallowing, breathing, pedaling with little hands and feet along your uterine wall, and even sucking his or her thumb. In fact, some babies suck their thumbs so vigorously while in the womb that they're born with a callus on their thumb.

-------------------------------------------------

I can't believe I totally skipped taking a picture and writing a post at 30 weeks. With Christmas/New Years and traveling, I got totally thrown off. 30 weeks was definitely a milestone mentally and baby wise for me. Getting into the 30s makes me feel so far, and so close to meeting our child. I can't believe we are potentially less then 2 short months away from bringing a daughter into the world - not just a baby, but a new life.

The last few weeks have been full of new movements, sensations, and a feeling of being huge and carrying the baby much higher. She has the hiccups sometimes 4x a day... it's so cool now that I recognize it. I am having trouble sleeping now-a-days because the movements are sometimes so strong in the middle of the night that I can't ignore them the way I was a month or so ago. I am knocking my belly into things and having trouble getting up, bending over, and moving quickly or for long periods of time. The pain in my upper abdomen persists, going on over 2 months now. It is worse if anything, and is probably a near-constant part of my day. It happens if I sit too long, lay wrong, or walk around and am on my feet too long. Soooo basically all the time. I feel frustrated like I can't do much anymore. That, in combination with increased groin pain (ligaments loosening) and the baby's movements being much stronger and more forceful now - less bouncy and more like actual limbs, bones, and muscle hitting me in the organs and pushing on my ribs and lungs and side and bladder can be quite uncomfortable all at once. Sometimes I feel full body rolls. Sometimes I'm sure I can feel her little butt or back high up near my ribs, sometimes I'm not sure if it's her head or feet.

If it sounds painful, I will say that for me it is. I don't think all women experience everything the same way, but I can tell the next 8-10 weeks are going to be pretty rough on me. I am praying for God's strength to bear it patiently and with anticipation and not too much frustration or complaining. I do plan on talking to the midwife on Wednesday about all my symptoms. It is so weird to be in pain and totally uncomfortable, and yet amazed and in awe and enjoying it all at the same time.

I can't pretend I am without worry. I do very well sometimes, and put my faith in God, and other times fears take hold of me and I literally feel physically panicked about things going wrong, or my delivery being impossible and unbearably painful. We started our childbirth class and I think understanding and education is going to be really valuable for me. I need to remember my body was made to do this and that I can!

1 hour glucose screening

Looks like I just barely failed my 1 hour glucose test for gestational diabetes. They said the cut off is 130 and I came in right at 130. :( So I have to go back for the 3 hour test mon morning next week.

i'm sad and i feel like its my fault somehow. :(

a rough night

Last night while friends while friends were over, starting around 9:00pm ish, I started having some trouble breathing. This happens to me sometimes and usually is relieved by my Albuterol inhaler. I tried using it and felt a bit of relief but not a lot. Before bed I could tell it was going to be a rough night. All I can describe it is as -- feels like a weigh on my lungs -- slight wheeze at times -- feels like I can't get a complete breath. If you've never had trouble breathing, its hard to describe how scary it can be and how we take it for granted, but all of a sudden you are thinking of every breath you're taking and it is so exhausting.

Anyway the night progressed like this and I kept puffing my inhaler (3x?) but felt like it wasn't giving me the medicine I needed because my symptoms were not decreasing. After a restless night I woke up around 6:30 and thought maybe a hot shower could help clear things up. They didn't and the morning was so bad, I was wheezing, hacking and my chest was under so much pressure - it hurt to take every breath. My mom brought over her inhaler and that helped me a bit more then mine was - confirming mine is out of medicine. I got a refill on mine though so hopefully I'm ok. Once the inhaler started to work I felt better when I wasn't active, but as soon as I got up and moved around, even to climb the stairs I am SO out of breath - I feel like I'm 80 years old and 700 lbs.

I called the doctor on call and she said to keep using the inhaler as I needed to to feel better, and that if the symptoms continued to call my doctor and they would probably prescribe some steroid inhalers to get things under control. I will try tomorrow but I refuse to see their nurse practitioner, because they do NOTHING for me. It is frustrating to say the least, I've already been in one time about my asthma and she just said "suck it, deal with it" basically. (the NP, not my PCP)

In other awesome news though, the baby has been ridiculously active the last few days. I have been enjoying stronger sensations and new feelings - and the baby has moved my hand on my stomach at least 3x with kicks, and Brian, my mom, my sister and my friend Christie were all able to feel her kicking yesterday. She was kicking so hard. (or punching, or flipping, not sure exactly what the movements are). It was awesome. Brian and I also bought a pre-natal listening device around 16-17 weeks and for the first time were able to pick up the baby's heartbeat last night. It was so awesome. We could hear some movement too, I think - well I was feeling at least! Then the baby must have shifted positions becuase we lost hte heartbeat but picked it up again. It was so cool! We just laid in bed listening to it (it comes with 2 headphones) haha.

I'd definitely recommend that thing for a $20 price tag. It's a bit of work to find the heartbeat and hear stuff, but it is totally worth it when you do. I'm surprised we could hear it so early.

Anyway if you wouldn't mind, say a prayer that this asthma gets under control. I'm afraid its only going to get worse as I get bigger!

things

Things are bad with Papa. You can check our facebook statuses for updates, but we are all rocked by the news. Basically they couldn't do the surgery, because the cancer has grown rapidly and spread outside the bladder. I will update when I know more. I really am so shocked by this - I just really believed the bladder was going to come out and he would get some more time out of this. Cancer is so scary, so ugly.

But you know what? Papa's spirit is something that is an example I can learn from. He only wants the Lord's will and he will remain strong through this. We just have to stay strong for him.

papa's surgery

Papa has had a rough 2 days preparing for his surgery tomorrow (basically clear liquid diet and similar-to-colonoscopy-meds). For those of you that don't know the story, right after my grandma died in mid-June, doctors determined that he had large tumors in his bladder, and later confirmed they were cancerous. He had surgery to remove the very large invasive and cancerous tumors that were taking up about 80% of his bladder space 2-3 months ago. He did really well with the surgeries.

About 6 weeks ago or so, he went back in for exploratory look to see if the tumors had regrown. The doctors found that they had, completely come back, taking up that 80% of his bladder again. Obviously, this is such insane and fast growth. This whole thing has been a blur! He has been getting direct chemotherapy into the bladder to control their growth, but his absolute best chance is this surgery tomorrow morning, very early (7:00 am?). The surgery will consist of completely removing the bladder and a conduit urinary diversion. Obviously, this is quite a procedure. The doctors, however, warned us that there might be too much scar tissue to complete the surgery. This is not the option we want, because it means a lot of harsh chemo and radiation treatment.

Please keep him in your prayers - he needs it! We love you Papa - we'll kick this cancer!

22 weeks

Wow... this is really happening. It seems more real then ever now. Growing belly, little kicks and flips keeping me up in the middle of the night... baby clothes strewn all over the newly painted room, baby registries almost completed, bassinet in the room, people generously giving us so much. Aside from being so excited, I'm starting to feel my first like.... trepidations/fear about actually getting this little one out of me. I still have 4 months to think about that, but it's happening - especially when I realized my THIRD TRIMESTER will start on Dec. 8th. I almost fell over. That's only 5ish weeks away!

I have been selfish and emotional lately and for that I am sorry to anyone who has experienced any brunt of it. I'm trying to overcome it!

22 weeks development- the baby is finally almost a pound! And with that, I am gaining a lot too...

At 11 inches (the length of a spaghetti squash) and almost 1 pound, your baby is starting to look like a miniature newborn. His lips, eyelids, and eyebrows are becoming more distinct, and he's even developing tiny tooth buds beneath his gums. His eyes have formed, but his irises (the colored part of the eye) still lack pigment. If you could see inside your womb, you'd be able to spot the fine hair (lanugo) that covers his body and the deep wrinkles on his skin, which he'll sport until he adds a padding of fat to fill them in. Inside his belly, his pancreas — essential for the production of some important hormones — is developing steadily. The baby's hearing is becoming more acute and its almost constant movements may be quieted by your talking, singing, or reading to it. (no way!!??)

so much

If any of you follow me on facebook, you'll know I (along with many other pregnant girls) are struggling with the decisions to get flu shots or not. It is not the fact of getting vaccinated with the strains that scares me, its the preservatives in the vaccine. All over the internet people are saying "get the preservative free (thimerosal free) version" - but I'll tell you right now - we don't have it here in Erie, at least not for H1N1 which is the most important one for pregnant women to get.

Because I'm pregnant, I'm 6x more likely to catch the flues or develop complications from them. Because I am asthmatic/allergy suffering, I am catapulted into a new risk category for suffering from complications of the viruses.

But if I want H1N1 before it runs out, I have to get the version with thimerisol now. My midwife is recommending that I get it, as well as many other reputable websites and sources. So I will be totally set on it, then people start telling me about the links between mercury and autism, other problems in infants, children - and I back off, flip out, and cry and cry and change my mind again.

I have done so much research on this, along with Brian, I have never felt so torn about a decision in my life. I have never had to weigh someone else's safety and life in this way. It's bizarre because it is a big decision, but it's also...just a shot. That is a tough line to walk. I am so terrified of hurting this little girl inside of me, it makes me absolutely crazy. I have cried so much today, its nuts. Brian is trying to counsel me and help me make this decision with him together. My baby is developing so perfectly, the thought of messing that up agonizes me. But the thought of getting H1N1 and getting very sick from it and dying or losing the baby scares me just as much.

As of now I am scheduled to get H1N1 tomorrow at 1:00pm. I'm not positive I'll go yet. I am going to sleep on it and pray very hard for clarity. What I don't need is more opinions, even though my nature is to ask for them. I know both sides of the coin and I am in a place where we have to pick what is best for my current situation and weigh the risks and benefits.

In the end though - if I trust my decision and that it is right for me and blessed by God, then I should not worry about it either way - because He will protect and honor that choice that we have made. Trust is my biggest issue right now.

Any prayers for me and other pregnant women making this decision would be super appreciated.

-----

In other news, I'm 21 weeks today, and this pregnancy is so exciting. I've had a couple rough days with IBS, but everything else is going perfectly and I am loving my baby more and more every day. I am feeling her moving every day at some point - sometimes the activity is so crazy! Brian still hasn't felt it completely yet - I think he might have felt a nudge tonight. We'll get there. We are still struggling with names and haven't found a crib yet, but neither of these is really worrying me :) I'm just enjoying it all.

We bought our crib bedding and picked out paint colors. It is so cute, fresh and funky and totally me! We'll use the khaki/beige color as the main wall color then do an accent wall in the fresh orange color. I am so excited! I might have my dad help me paint an abstract mural on the other wall too using the flowers as inspiration!




21 weeks development:

Your baby now weighs about three-quarters of a pound and is approximately 10 1/2 inches long — the length of a carrot. You may soon feel like she's practicing martial arts as her initial fluttering movements turn into full-fledged kicks and nudges. You may also discover a pattern to her activity as you get to know her better. In other developments, your baby's eyebrows and lids are present now, and if you're having a girl, her vagina has begun to form as well.

19 Weeks

Wow, is this happening? It seems like things are speeding up all of a sudden. And at the same time, I feel more patient then I did... I don't know what it is! I am suddenly aware of how blessed we are that God has protected the baby thus far. I don't take it for granted, and still pray for constant protection. I know anything can happen. I thank God for every week He gives me in this pregnancy. We had a penta-screen blood test 2 weeks ago and I haven't heard any news, which in this case, I believe is good. No news = no major problems with the bloodwork that need to be discussed immediately.

It's like my mind and my body are finally starting to connect. It's taken a while for that to happen. I'm starting to be able to feel my uterus JUST below my belly button which is crazy to know that the baby is finally not hiding quite so much in my fat/insides and coming forward! I'm still continuing to feel nudges, I think, it's still a little hard to tell, but if they aren't nudges, then I have some sort of weird muscle twitch that needs to be dealt with ;-)

19 Weeks Development
Your baby's sensory development is exploding! Her brain is designating specialized areas for smell, taste, hearing, vision, and touch. Some research suggests that she may be able to hear your voice now, so don't be shy about reading aloud, talking to her, or singing a happy tune if the mood strikes you. Your baby weighs about 8 1/2 ounces and measures 6 inches, head to bottom — about the size of a large heirloom tomato or a large mango. Ha. Measured from head to feet, about 9-10 inches! (That flips me out a bit) Her arms and legs are in the right proportions to each other and the rest of her body now. Her kidneys continue to make urine and the hair on her scalp is sprouting. A waxy protective coating called the vernix caseosa is forming on her skin to prevent it from pickling in the amniotic fluid.

Your little action figure is able to choreograph Matrix-like moves. Arms and legs are finally in proportion, neurons are now connected between the brain and muscles, and cartilage throughout the body is turning to bone. All these upgrades combine to give your baby more control over limb movements. Which explains all that kicking, stretching, and bodysurfing (or rather bellysurfing) you've possibly started feeling by now.

family updates

Brian's mom Beth, came in for the weekend to spend time with us (well mainly Brian and I was out of town for a wedding) for her late birthday present. It was so good to see her and spend time with her. It was weird that this is the first time we've all seen her since we found out we were pregnant, since my grandma died. Everything sort of seems different now... everything IS different now.

Amy - my amazing sister - is now engaged!! I am so thrilled for her, and I know that her wedding and marriage is going to be beautiful and unique. You can read the story here :) Josh is such a fantastic guy who has a huge heart, and treats my sister amazingly (which is what every big sister wants to see!)

Papa had a third surgery yesterday - this one was to explore the bladder and potentially scrape out any regrowth of cancer. Unfortunately, his bladder cancer is so aggressive, that 80% of the tumors that were removed less than two months ago, have returned. This FREAKS ME OUT and is so insane. They injected some chemotherapy medicine directly into the bladder, and will continue to try this for 6 weeks to see if it can make a dent in the tumors this way. If not, then the next stage will potentially be a surgery to completely remove the bladder, which can be totally brutal and for an 80-something year old man, sigh. I just don't want him to have to go through that. But at the same time, I know Papa wants to do whatever is best to keep his life going, and he seems to have a good outlook and said, let's just trust in God, and put it all in His hands.

The sort of contrast of having one grandmother die in the spring who I wasn't really very close to, then having a grandmother die in June from cancer, just a few weeks before we found out we were pregnant, who I WAS very close to.... and THEN watching my grandpa go through another battle with a different kind of cancer. Then Amy is getting married... and neither grandma will be there. All so fast. I miss my grandma Koos so much sometimes... I just can't believe she is not here. I just think of her and... I wish I could dream more about her to hear her talk to me again. I think we all are still reeling that it happened as fast as it did. I miss her laugh most of all, and how much she loved her family and her kitties. Cancer.. Cancer... Cancer. Death. Life. Cancer. Marriage. Life. Baby. Fear. Family. Cancer. Sickness. Change. Joy. Sorrow. Life. Love. Support. Life. Love.

God's control... God's plan... God's protection... God's arms... God's promise.

In His shadow there is peace
In His arms there is rest
In His word there is hope
In His hands there is grace

In the end... no hurting
In the end... no yearning
In the end... no suffering, no sadness or pain
In the end...

-David Crowder, In the End [O Resplendant Light!]

rough nights

This is sort of health, personal, worry post, so be fore-warned.

Friday & Saturday night as well as last week have been very very rough for me physically with my IBS and pregnancy. I've had a ton of pain, a ton of cramping, and some pretty severe attacks. Last week I got really weird with food again, not eating even close to as much as I have been... naseauted half-way through my meals and feeling not in the mood for anything. I thought at 16 weeks I'd be past that. Some of my cramping last week felt uterine as well, and some of it was higher in my stomach as well as lower in my intestines. At one point I had to leave a dinner with some friends because I was in so much pain.

If you could pray for me that the pain would decrease and my attacks would slow down. My doctor thought I'd be feeling better than this in a few weeks (at my last appt at 13 weeks) so I'm frustrated because I'm actually feeling worse. The pain can get to me really badly emotionally so I start to get fearful and worried again... and feeling that is almost worse than the pain. I am trying so hard to trust in God that he is protecting our child. I still need help with trust.

I haven't been able to determine yet if I'm feeling the baby move yet or if I'm just having so much intestinal distress. I thought at this point all that stuff would be pushed out of the way and I'd be able to clearly tell where the baby is and when it's moving. I feel a bit embarrassed when people touch my stomach right now, because its not really baby quite yet... I mean it is, but most of the time they're all just touching my fat belly. Ugh. And some ask me tons of questions like "how is baby lusky" because all I can say is... I assume totally fine but not quite sure :) The questions do get a bit exhausting. Maybe it's better if everyone reads the blog, then I don't have to field quite so many questions. LOL.

Anyway - appt on Tuesday at 17 weeks with the midwife so I always get excited and nervous about this, but mostly excited. Thanks for the prayers!

13 weeks

Tomorrow we have a doctor's appt/check up where I pray I'll get the opportunity to record our baby's heartbeat. I keep being a little fraid something will be wrong. But so far everything seems ok and I'm praying over my little one's safety and protection. Will update the blog hopefully with some cool sond effects tomorrow!

Some cool 13 week information
Your fetus is now about three inches long, weighs about an ounce, and is around the size of a peach or a medium shrimp — and half of that length is head. By the time your baby is ready to make his or her entrance into the world, the head will be only one-fourth as large as the body. Starting about now, babies begin growing at different paces, some faster than others, some more slowly, though they all follow the same developmental path. Growing at a universally breakneck speed now is your baby's body as it tries to catch up to the head in terms of size. Though your baby's head is about half the size of its body now, by the time your baby is ready to make his or her entrance into the world, the head will be only one-fourth as large as the body. Your baby's intestines are moving to their permanent (and more conveniently located) address, in your baby's abdomen. And to serve your growing baby's needs, the placenta is also growing.

Also developing this week: your baby's vocal chords. Fingerprints have formed on your baby's tiny fingertips, her veins and organs are clearly visible through her still-thin skin. If you're having a girl, she now has more than 2 million eggs in her ovaries.

12 weeks/doc

Nothing major to report other than TON of intestinal distress from my IBS. It's been worse this week by far then anyother week I've come across yet. I actually went to my PCP (nurse practitioner since Dr. Brown wasn't available) to see if I could take any Bentyl - and she said its really not safe yet. I was bummed, but I also want to do what is best for the baby. I had a long talk with her where I cried a lot (what else is new) about fears something is wrong. She looked me in the eye and said - "Relax, Breathe, and enjoy this. This is the only pregnancy you'll have with this baby. It's out of your hands, and you are doing your best."

It was slightly condescending, but also re-assuring, if that makes sense. Ha! Anyway here's a 12 week belly shot, although it's really no different then last week. The doctor said its totally normal to not really be showing yet and not be much different and that the uterus isn't quite forward yet. This made me feel good.

12 weeks

I weighed myself this morning and I'd lost another lb since yesterday, a total of 3 since last week. 11 weeks I weighed 188.9, and today, 186.2 - it's very bizarre, and a little scary. I don't like it. I have a doctors appt next week, and I will talk to her about my weight jumping around, especially if it goes up again next week. Maybe it's because my energy is back so I'm not laying around as much, and I do feel like I'm eating a little less then I was since I'm not feeling so sick all the time.

Praying it's no big deal and, if the baby is still healthy, glad I haven't gained too much so far!

12 weeks news:

How your baby's growing:

The most dramatic development this week: reflexes. Your baby's fingers will soon begin to open and close, his toes will curl, his eye muscles will clench, and his mouth will make sucking movements. In fact, if you prod your abdomen, your baby will squirm in response, although you won't be able to feel it. His intestines, which have grown so fast that they protrude into the umbilical cord, will start to move into his abdominal cavity about now, and his kidneys will begin excreting urine into his bladder.

Meanwhile, nerve cells are multiplying rapidly, and in your baby's brain, synapses are forming furiously. His face looks unquestionably human: His eyes have moved from the sides to the front of his head, and his ears are right where they should be. From crown to rump, your baby-to-be is just over 2 inches long (about the size of a lime) and weighs half an ounce.

energy returning? (crossing fingers)

Tuesday will be week 12 of this pregnancy, and I slowly have felt my energy returning. Most notably was yesterday's wedding. It was a ton of work, and I was on my feet most of the day and shot some really great pictures. Instead of almost on the verge of losing it the whole day, I felt like I COULD do this, and I was in control.... during the reception I was truly enjoying myself and not really very tired. This could have been partly because the couple was awesome - but in general it was definitely a noticeable energy and motivation increase from the weddings I did in July and even early August. I am praising God, and not as scared about the beginning of September then I was before!

I've been in awe looking at pictures of 11 week old babies (from illustrations and ultrasounds) This baby looks like a real baby now, other than a disproportionate head, and has fingers and toes and is just so awesome - already about 2-2.5 inches from crown to rump. Beautiful...

I've been struggling with some fear and worry again the last few days that I thought I had shaken, afraid I might not be growing enough, that I can't feel my uterus, that maybe the baby isn't growing or something is wrong. I know it's unhealthy. I'm trying to stop. I have my next appt Sept 2 so hopefully that check-up will alleviate my fears.

discomfort & confusion

So much is going on right now - my grandpa is still at Hamot for a fever that just won't quit. The doctors are afraid there may be a blood or heart infection happening and ran some tests. It turns out he has a collapsed lung. WHAT? This is all so crazy.

I started having some mild shoulder pain earlier, which if I wasn't pregnant I wouldn't worry about at all, but I've read from multiple sources that shoulder pain can be a sign of ectopic pregnancy. Now I've got myself in a tizzy about it, and I think if I wake up tomorrow and still have it, I may call my OB - why risk anything? I know I can be hypocondriac about all this - but this is a crucial time and if something is wrong like this, it could be so dangerous.

I'm praying and trusting that everything is totally fine, and I am stressing about nothing. God give me faith and peace, and please help the shoulder pain to disperse and my abdomen to feel more comfortable.

today is a wedding day

I am scared to think that every Saturday is going to be like this until September, around when I enter my second trimester. I pray it lifts sooner. I feel not as bad as some mornings, but I know its just because I am using my will power to hold off the debilitating nausea and fatigue that wants to overtake me. But today, it is not an option. I MUST be out the door by 12:45 pm today to go shoot a wedding for the rest of the day at the Peak.

I am scared my clients won't get my best work from me because I am nervous I will be constantly fighting back nausea and exhaustion, but I know I can do it. Luckily my amazing sister is coming with me. Jesus says, come to me Ye who are weary and burdened - I know you may all be looking at me going, come ON, you dont barely leave your house, how can you be weary --- and you're NOT burdened, you should be rejoicing! Believe me, I know these things, and they are truths that are certainly fact - but physical overwhelment and nausea and fatigue can just shut down all your normal, rational senses of who you should be.

But I know with Jesus I can conquer, and I will. Maybe this sounds dramatic, but it's where I am.