I had my 6 week checkup today and all looks good. It was so wonderful to see my midwife again and all the people that were with me through my whole pregnancy. It's almost weird to NOT be going there every week because you are there so much during the end of the pregnancy. I love those midwives, especially Peggy Boyd at Erie Women's Health Partners. I highly recommend her. I trusted her to make the right decisions for me and for Chloe and we are both recovered and healthy now... and I attribute a lot of that to the care I received there. I decided with her and my PCP's advice to get back on Zoloft now before I get too overwhelmed, and be ready to start work again in May (shooting weddings). She thought it was a really smart decision. Being a mom is HARD and I find myself snapping a little at people sometimes when I am very tired. I am not ashamed that I need a little help to cope!
Everyone was going nuts over Chloe today. She is definitely filling out - at her 1 month appointment she was 10 lbs (last week) 75 percentile for her weight and 21.25 inches (gained a quarter inch) 50th percentile for height. Her infant acne has really gone down and her beautiful skin is returning! Her clogged tear duct also seems to have stopped too which is fantastic! I am so excited to see her adjusting to life.
Here is a video of her at 6 weeks. After this she started crying pretty inconsolably ... so its not all giggles all the time ;-)
Love this girl!!
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Thursday, April 15, 2010
sleeping
This whole sleeping thing is so weird. Getting on baby's schedule, while trying to slowly mold her a bit more to ours. We've had a pretty good week so far - 3 out of teh four nights she's slept 6-7 hours at a time from around 9:30 to 3:30 ish, its been truly amazing. I didn't believe she could do it, but Brian was convinced so we started putting her down in the co-sleeper a little earlier... usually she falls asleep on her own but 2 nights I had to rock her to sleep (which only takes about 10 minutes) after her last feeding. Chloe is so funny when she's trying to wake herself up out of that deep sleep, she makes so many grunting noises... she stretches and squeals and sucks her fingers as she realizes how long its been since she ate!
I seriously think one of the secrets is the Halo SleepSack, Swaddle - We use it almost every night as her "blanket" and it keep her warm and cozy. I know eventually we won't be able to swaddle her arms in... but for now its working really well. Its a bit of a pain to get her out of it but worth it for the sound sleep she seems to get in it. I have a few other "sleep bags" that don't have the swaddle aspect so soon we will try those at night.
So we are hoping this pattern continues. I am really enjoying sleeping in the same room with her in the co-sleeper, it gives me so much peace and security to just lean over and know she is safe and warm with us. But at the same time I don't sleep as soundly, especially around the 5 hour mark I usually wake up and just wait and watch for her to wake up for 45 minutes. And when she makes noises they wake me up. The SIDs guidelines say baby should stay in the room with you for at least the first 6 months. I don't think that we will be able to do it that long though... I was thinking at the end of this month to start putting her in her crib. It certainlymakes it easier to nurse her when she is right there. Well... we will come to a decision.
Anyway... things are pretty good. I really hurt my back yesterday... doing nothing, I think I irritated it trying out different baby carriers the 2 days previous. So this is not good and is making it hard... I've had to ask for help from friends and family to come and help me with Chloe because sometimes my back hurts SO much I feel like I'm going to drop the baby.
I've started doing some work again for my old employer which is great but is making things quite hairy!
Oh also... we finally bit the bullet and got a new (used) car. We've been driving beaters for so long, it was time... things fell into place. Although I hate having a car payment again (its been a few years for us), it is worth it. This car rocks! It's a 2006 Hyundai Santa Fe.
I seriously think one of the secrets is the Halo SleepSack, Swaddle - We use it almost every night as her "blanket" and it keep her warm and cozy. I know eventually we won't be able to swaddle her arms in... but for now its working really well. Its a bit of a pain to get her out of it but worth it for the sound sleep she seems to get in it. I have a few other "sleep bags" that don't have the swaddle aspect so soon we will try those at night.
So we are hoping this pattern continues. I am really enjoying sleeping in the same room with her in the co-sleeper, it gives me so much peace and security to just lean over and know she is safe and warm with us. But at the same time I don't sleep as soundly, especially around the 5 hour mark I usually wake up and just wait and watch for her to wake up for 45 minutes. And when she makes noises they wake me up. The SIDs guidelines say baby should stay in the room with you for at least the first 6 months. I don't think that we will be able to do it that long though... I was thinking at the end of this month to start putting her in her crib. It certainlymakes it easier to nurse her when she is right there. Well... we will come to a decision.
Anyway... things are pretty good. I really hurt my back yesterday... doing nothing, I think I irritated it trying out different baby carriers the 2 days previous. So this is not good and is making it hard... I've had to ask for help from friends and family to come and help me with Chloe because sometimes my back hurts SO much I feel like I'm going to drop the baby.
I've started doing some work again for my old employer which is great but is making things quite hairy!
Oh also... we finally bit the bullet and got a new (used) car. We've been driving beaters for so long, it was time... things fell into place. Although I hate having a car payment again (its been a few years for us), it is worth it. This car rocks! It's a 2006 Hyundai Santa Fe.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
chloe is almost 1 month old!
This picture is when my mom and I took Chloe on her first walk. lol!
To say everything has changed... is an understatement. I never realized how completely different "pregnancy" is from having the baby - i mean, its a new world. It's like a new level. Chloe is beautiful and sweet, and yet she has her trying moments. Our house has moments of peacefulness and sometimes moments of chaos! I'm starting to go out again and do things, take her with me, and deal with consequences. The visits and meals have trailed off, things are starting to form our own normalcy. It was such a huge help having all those and people have been insanely generous with gifts. At the same time, seeing so many people and doing mild entertaining was overwhelming. Brian is off for 3 days this week and we are still having trouble getting things that are non-chloe-related done (i.e., sending in our estimated quarter 1 tax payments, looking for a new car, ehem... cleaning... lol)
Breastfeeding has been a challenge, then other times its just totally simple and natural. I struggle the most with being in public with it... thankfully our church has a parents room and a nursing mothers room because I pretty much can't get through an entire church service/experience which goes around 2+ hours including travel without feeding Chloe. It's hard because I want to do this for my baby, but I hate making anyone uncomfortable... but this is absolutely the best thing I can do for her right now, and I am committed to making it work as long as I can. I have moments where I'm like - I will definitely do this for at least 6 months, then moments where I'm like... ok... I just want to make it to three months. I'm starting to get nervous about returning to "work" in a little over a month - shooting my first wedding may 15 and what that will mean for our "routine" which is barely a routine really. Pumping is hard, and I hate it. It makes me feel demeaned and unnatural. lol. . . but its necessary for me to have any semblence of freedom at all!
Aside from those new tough moments - I can't believe how much I love this little one. When I see her my heart warms, I feel everything inside me open up to receive and nurture her. I struggle to let her cry for more then a few minutes without my heart breaking! I feel like she does know me already in a lot of ways, and she has different responses to me when I pick her up vs. others, and that is satisfying although I know it is instinctual :)
She is starting to make little smiling faces which just melt my heart and everyone elses (including daddy and grandma's) :-) Thanks to the heat though, or just baby-dum, she has developed some intense breakouts on her face and on her neck. I feel bad for her... she also has a clogged tear duct which some days is super goopy and gross and other days looks totally normal. We have a 1 month appt on Friday so we are going to investigate these things!
I will try to post a little more frequently... I did take some pictures for Easter and had her in a few cute but stylish outfits that I wanted to show off. :) My next endeavor is to try to get her flipping birth announcements done! It's sooo hard to get to this kind of stuff! I can't believe how much longer things take now! lol :)
To say everything has changed... is an understatement. I never realized how completely different "pregnancy" is from having the baby - i mean, its a new world. It's like a new level. Chloe is beautiful and sweet, and yet she has her trying moments. Our house has moments of peacefulness and sometimes moments of chaos! I'm starting to go out again and do things, take her with me, and deal with consequences. The visits and meals have trailed off, things are starting to form our own normalcy. It was such a huge help having all those and people have been insanely generous with gifts. At the same time, seeing so many people and doing mild entertaining was overwhelming. Brian is off for 3 days this week and we are still having trouble getting things that are non-chloe-related done (i.e., sending in our estimated quarter 1 tax payments, looking for a new car, ehem... cleaning... lol)
Breastfeeding has been a challenge, then other times its just totally simple and natural. I struggle the most with being in public with it... thankfully our church has a parents room and a nursing mothers room because I pretty much can't get through an entire church service/experience which goes around 2+ hours including travel without feeding Chloe. It's hard because I want to do this for my baby, but I hate making anyone uncomfortable... but this is absolutely the best thing I can do for her right now, and I am committed to making it work as long as I can. I have moments where I'm like - I will definitely do this for at least 6 months, then moments where I'm like... ok... I just want to make it to three months. I'm starting to get nervous about returning to "work" in a little over a month - shooting my first wedding may 15 and what that will mean for our "routine" which is barely a routine really. Pumping is hard, and I hate it. It makes me feel demeaned and unnatural. lol. . . but its necessary for me to have any semblence of freedom at all!
Aside from those new tough moments - I can't believe how much I love this little one. When I see her my heart warms, I feel everything inside me open up to receive and nurture her. I struggle to let her cry for more then a few minutes without my heart breaking! I feel like she does know me already in a lot of ways, and she has different responses to me when I pick her up vs. others, and that is satisfying although I know it is instinctual :)
She is starting to make little smiling faces which just melt my heart and everyone elses (including daddy and grandma's) :-) Thanks to the heat though, or just baby-dum, she has developed some intense breakouts on her face and on her neck. I feel bad for her... she also has a clogged tear duct which some days is super goopy and gross and other days looks totally normal. We have a 1 month appt on Friday so we are going to investigate these things!
I will try to post a little more frequently... I did take some pictures for Easter and had her in a few cute but stylish outfits that I wanted to show off. :) My next endeavor is to try to get her flipping birth announcements done! It's sooo hard to get to this kind of stuff! I can't believe how much longer things take now! lol :)
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
chloe grace
Chloe Grace, Born March 9, 2010 at 11:18am, 8lbs 2.5 oz, 21 inches. She is one week old today!
Wow... You think and think about all of this for 10+ months, and then suddenly, the baby is here and you're doing it all, and its happening, and she's in your arms. I can't believe it all. I am in awe, tired, joyful, frustrated, emotional, peaceful. It's all so unbelievable.
Following is a full account of how Chloe's labor/delivery went and all our trials and joys through those few days. It was really crazy and not how I expected it at all. Nothing could have prepared me for it, and some if it feels like a dream due to the medications I was on at certain parts of my labor. I do go into detail, so if you'd rather not read it, that is totally fine - you've been warned :)
On Saturday evening, I noticed a tiny leak during the middle of the night. It's always tough at this point in a pregnancy to know exactly what you are dealing with, because well... let's be frank, you're constantly peeing and sometimes a little leaks out. But I was pretty sure this was fluid. Because it was such a tiny amount though, I wasn't too worried and figured... well if it is truly my water breaking, it will come full force today. Sunday night, I noticed it again in the middle of the night, and was sure it was fluid. So, I called my midwife and they wanted me in right away. At 1:40 pm I had an appointment and she checked me and told me I was no further dilated (only about 1 cm) but that it was definitely a high amniotic fluid leak.
peggy: "We're going to get you to the hospital to get delivered."
me: "what? really?"
peggy: "yes, there is a risk of infection to your placenta with a leak like this, and because it's been going on since Saturday, we need to get this baby out right away."
me: "cry"
So I called Brian, and we came home, got our stuff in order (it was amazing how many things we were thinking of to get done) and we went off to the hospital that night. Here is a picture of me and Brian, excited and terrified, and then me - last belly shot - almost exactly 40 weeks.
After getting to the hospital, they got us settled into the room, and it was all pretty calm and boring for a while. I was given Cytotec in the cervix around 6 or 7pm (which is a bit scary but I had to have it vs. cervadil due to my asthma), and strapped up to a bunch of monitors to keep Chloe's heart rate and my contractions monitored.
Around midnight the cytotec started to do its work and I begin intense cramping and contractions that made me absolutely nuts. I was also on Nubain and a sleeping pill, so I felt like I was trapped in a painful nightmare with no relief. Around 5:00am I finally was dilated to 3cm, so I got my epidural at 6am ..then I had the best 2-3 hours ever. I had so much peace and the pain was gone, I felt warm fuzzy and amazing. I dilated quickly in 30 minutes to 6cm due to being relaxed, then by 9am I was fully dilated and effaced and just waiting for "pushing pressure"... which admittedly was hard to feel due to the epidural. At 9:00am we started pushing, after Peggy broke my water. She immediately saw meconium and had the NICU nurses on standby. I was so scared when I heard this because I know how dangerous it can be. I knew that they were monitoring Chloe's heart rate though so I just prayed she wasn't breathing it in.
I basically pushed for an hour unsuccessfully and I was so discouraged, and already completely exhausted. My midwife had to leave for about 25 minutes to attend to another patient, and I became extremely discouraged because I knew she didn't expect anything to happen but I kept pushing and exhausting myself. Then Peggy came back and they turned my epidural down... then I could feel the urge to push (well the horrible cramping/contractions) and I became extremely motivated for it to be OVER... but also felt like I was being tortured. The baby was having a hard time coming under my pubic bone... and things were moving so slowly. I know it was all very bloody and gross and I feel horrible that Brian and my mother had to watch it all happen, I know it was excruciating for Brian to watch me in so much pain and so exhausted. My arms were killing me from holding my legs back. I wanted to give up so many times. At one point I thought I might have a C-section because Peggy said the baby's head was swelling a little bit. It turns out she was actually in a sort of posterior and had to twist a lot in the birth canal, which might have been part of the reason pushing took so long. Finally I saw them break the bed down at the end, which was a huge motivator for me because I knew that we were getting close. I had to have an episiotomy, but I honestly didn't care... I was so tired and in so much pain and so scared I wanted Chloe to be born as quickly as possible and safely.
When she came out, Peggy said, she's not going to be breathing... and she was limp and lifeless and her head was very coned...and covered in... well stuff... and they wisked her off and bagged her, trying to get the meconium out before she took her first breaths. We didn't hear her for what seemed like an eternity... brian held my hand and we just looked at each other and finally we started hearing her wimpers and little cries. The poor baby it was so traumatic for her too. It was the scariest, worst, best craziest moment of my life. I couldn't believe what we had just been through and what was happening. I had a moment with her before they took her to the nursery to get checked out:
The recovery has been painful and difficult, no question, but I'm definitely starting to improve. Our first days with Chloe are sort of a blur, yet precious and amazing too. We are barely getting into a little bit of a groove, as much as you can with a newborn who just eats, sleeps and cries and poops :) but her alert phases are so wondrous, and I just want to kiss and hold her all the time (which I don't thinks he minds since right now she is definitely preferring to be held then anything else) :) We are trying to work on getting her to sleep a little longer each night in her co-sleeper (right next to me) in bed.
Breastfeeding has been a challenge for sure, but we're getting there and improving, I think. When we get it right, it is truly beautiful and amazing. I love all the aspects of this all so much. I am in so much love with this little angel!
There are more pictures on facebook/flickr if you are interested:
Facebook
Flickr
Wow... You think and think about all of this for 10+ months, and then suddenly, the baby is here and you're doing it all, and its happening, and she's in your arms. I can't believe it all. I am in awe, tired, joyful, frustrated, emotional, peaceful. It's all so unbelievable.
Following is a full account of how Chloe's labor/delivery went and all our trials and joys through those few days. It was really crazy and not how I expected it at all. Nothing could have prepared me for it, and some if it feels like a dream due to the medications I was on at certain parts of my labor. I do go into detail, so if you'd rather not read it, that is totally fine - you've been warned :)
On Saturday evening, I noticed a tiny leak during the middle of the night. It's always tough at this point in a pregnancy to know exactly what you are dealing with, because well... let's be frank, you're constantly peeing and sometimes a little leaks out. But I was pretty sure this was fluid. Because it was such a tiny amount though, I wasn't too worried and figured... well if it is truly my water breaking, it will come full force today. Sunday night, I noticed it again in the middle of the night, and was sure it was fluid. So, I called my midwife and they wanted me in right away. At 1:40 pm I had an appointment and she checked me and told me I was no further dilated (only about 1 cm) but that it was definitely a high amniotic fluid leak.
peggy: "We're going to get you to the hospital to get delivered."
me: "what? really?"
peggy: "yes, there is a risk of infection to your placenta with a leak like this, and because it's been going on since Saturday, we need to get this baby out right away."
me: "cry"
So I called Brian, and we came home, got our stuff in order (it was amazing how many things we were thinking of to get done) and we went off to the hospital that night. Here is a picture of me and Brian, excited and terrified, and then me - last belly shot - almost exactly 40 weeks.
After getting to the hospital, they got us settled into the room, and it was all pretty calm and boring for a while. I was given Cytotec in the cervix around 6 or 7pm (which is a bit scary but I had to have it vs. cervadil due to my asthma), and strapped up to a bunch of monitors to keep Chloe's heart rate and my contractions monitored.
Around midnight the cytotec started to do its work and I begin intense cramping and contractions that made me absolutely nuts. I was also on Nubain and a sleeping pill, so I felt like I was trapped in a painful nightmare with no relief. Around 5:00am I finally was dilated to 3cm, so I got my epidural at 6am ..then I had the best 2-3 hours ever. I had so much peace and the pain was gone, I felt warm fuzzy and amazing. I dilated quickly in 30 minutes to 6cm due to being relaxed, then by 9am I was fully dilated and effaced and just waiting for "pushing pressure"... which admittedly was hard to feel due to the epidural. At 9:00am we started pushing, after Peggy broke my water. She immediately saw meconium and had the NICU nurses on standby. I was so scared when I heard this because I know how dangerous it can be. I knew that they were monitoring Chloe's heart rate though so I just prayed she wasn't breathing it in.
I basically pushed for an hour unsuccessfully and I was so discouraged, and already completely exhausted. My midwife had to leave for about 25 minutes to attend to another patient, and I became extremely discouraged because I knew she didn't expect anything to happen but I kept pushing and exhausting myself. Then Peggy came back and they turned my epidural down... then I could feel the urge to push (well the horrible cramping/contractions) and I became extremely motivated for it to be OVER... but also felt like I was being tortured. The baby was having a hard time coming under my pubic bone... and things were moving so slowly. I know it was all very bloody and gross and I feel horrible that Brian and my mother had to watch it all happen, I know it was excruciating for Brian to watch me in so much pain and so exhausted. My arms were killing me from holding my legs back. I wanted to give up so many times. At one point I thought I might have a C-section because Peggy said the baby's head was swelling a little bit. It turns out she was actually in a sort of posterior and had to twist a lot in the birth canal, which might have been part of the reason pushing took so long. Finally I saw them break the bed down at the end, which was a huge motivator for me because I knew that we were getting close. I had to have an episiotomy, but I honestly didn't care... I was so tired and in so much pain and so scared I wanted Chloe to be born as quickly as possible and safely.
When she came out, Peggy said, she's not going to be breathing... and she was limp and lifeless and her head was very coned...and covered in... well stuff... and they wisked her off and bagged her, trying to get the meconium out before she took her first breaths. We didn't hear her for what seemed like an eternity... brian held my hand and we just looked at each other and finally we started hearing her wimpers and little cries. The poor baby it was so traumatic for her too. It was the scariest, worst, best craziest moment of my life. I couldn't believe what we had just been through and what was happening. I had a moment with her before they took her to the nursery to get checked out:
The recovery has been painful and difficult, no question, but I'm definitely starting to improve. Our first days with Chloe are sort of a blur, yet precious and amazing too. We are barely getting into a little bit of a groove, as much as you can with a newborn who just eats, sleeps and cries and poops :) but her alert phases are so wondrous, and I just want to kiss and hold her all the time (which I don't thinks he minds since right now she is definitely preferring to be held then anything else) :) We are trying to work on getting her to sleep a little longer each night in her co-sleeper (right next to me) in bed.
Breastfeeding has been a challenge for sure, but we're getting there and improving, I think. When we get it right, it is truly beautiful and amazing. I love all the aspects of this all so much. I am in so much love with this little angel!
There are more pictures on facebook/flickr if you are interested:
Flickr
Monday, March 8, 2010
to chloe the day/evening before her birth
3-8-2010, 10:10pm
To Chloe:
I am here at the hospital being induced. Tomorrow we will be exactly 40 weeks together. Turns out we bothered something in there and started leaking some fluid so Peggy, the midwife didn't want to take any chances and so we are getting things rolling and getting you out to make sure you are safe.
I feel like I'm having an out-of-body experience. I cannot believe I'm going to hold you in my arms after these long months. I can't wait to see your face. I think you will be perfect.
Your daddy and grandmas and grandpas have been praying for you. We are praying for your safety during this whole thing. We are praying for God's blessing over your life.
Chloe Grace... it's time to be born. I love you!
~Mommy
To Chloe:
I am here at the hospital being induced. Tomorrow we will be exactly 40 weeks together. Turns out we bothered something in there and started leaking some fluid so Peggy, the midwife didn't want to take any chances and so we are getting things rolling and getting you out to make sure you are safe.
I feel like I'm having an out-of-body experience. I cannot believe I'm going to hold you in my arms after these long months. I can't wait to see your face. I think you will be perfect.
Your daddy and grandmas and grandpas have been praying for you. We are praying for your safety during this whole thing. We are praying for God's blessing over your life.
Chloe Grace... it's time to be born. I love you!
~Mommy
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Chloe's Song by my cousin Paul
My cousin Paul wrote a beautiful song for Chloe, of course it brought me to tears. Wanted to share it here.
Chloe, though you’re wide awake
You’ve never seen this world
Chloe, though you’re wide awake
You have no fears at all
I hope you always stay that way
When you’re growing up
Whenever you’re feeling
Maybe things are stuck
Keep it in your heart
Then you’ll move around
I bet it won’t let you down
Chloe, though you’re wide awake
You’ve never seen this place
Chloe, so innocent and small
And so full of grace
I hope you always stay that way
When you’re growing up
Whenever you’re feeling
Maybe things are stuck
Keep it in your heart
Then you’ll move around
I bet it won’t let you down
To listen - click here. It's well worth it (in my opinion)
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
39 Weeks
The main word in my mind, vocabulary, thoughts, fears, and conversation is "when??" I am in such anticipation mode. Trying to calm down, trying to enjoy the last days/weeks of my pregnancy (who knows how long it will be). Trying not to have too many feelings of jealousy for some of my close friends around me who have already had their babies (including all the couples in my birthing class, I am now the last one!). God knows Chloe's birthday, and I am trying to remember that, enjoy her and remember she will never be easier to care for then she is right now.
It wouldn't be so bad but with my grandpa's funeral last week, I was just inundated with questions. Everyone wants to be involved and know, which I love in a lot of ways, and is hard in many other ways. I think because of all the questioning I feel more pressure then I would have otherwise!
She will come when she's ready. I have an appointment tomorrow and hope to get some more ideas, information. Sonogram and non stress test too! So if she doesn't come tonight (which I'm not feeling anything telling me she will) I at least get to see her again :)
It wouldn't be so bad but with my grandpa's funeral last week, I was just inundated with questions. Everyone wants to be involved and know, which I love in a lot of ways, and is hard in many other ways. I think because of all the questioning I feel more pressure then I would have otherwise!
39 Weeks
She will come when she's ready. I have an appointment tomorrow and hope to get some more ideas, information. Sonogram and non stress test too! So if she doesn't come tonight (which I'm not feeling anything telling me she will) I at least get to see her again :)
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